Post Break up: Breaking down – Part 1

I am new to this, and this is a series drawn from an amalgamation of my own and my friend’s experiences of post-traumatic breakups in our lives. Our main protagonist is Niharika (fictional name) mostly inspired by me. Please enjoy and leave feedback. Thanks.

Hi, I am Niharika; I am a dusky light brown girl with average height, 34B-28-34 size, and straight dark brown hair. I don’t know I come here to seek what, but I want to just shout what my life has become. These are not tales for the faint-hearted, and more importantly, these are also not the tales I can share with anyone without anonymity.

I was 28, living in Gurugram, working in an MNC, and I was madly in love with “N”. He was my childhood friend who always had the hots for me. But until recently, we had been on our separate ways, and our friendship had been very on and off. But 2 years ago, during the COVID lockdown, we both expressed our feelings and got together.

As the lockdown lifted, we used to meet, and it was the best feeling because not only was this a date, but also my best friend was someone who knew everything about me. Over time, we did plan getaways where we used to get physical, but we never had sex. I was putting it off until marriage. We would only push it to third base and I was very much against him even cumming near me as I was disgusted by it. He was still the sweetest, understood all my quirks, and we continued.

A year ago, he got transferred to Bangalore for his new IT job. We planned to make the long-distance work but things got very strained very quickly. I always thought this guy had loved me since childhood; where would he go? So, I unknowingly started taking him for granted.

Because of my past boyfriend blackmailing me with my nudes, I kept denying my current guy any form of digital relief, and things got more strained. I gave him less and less time, and eventually, one day, after many fights, he broke up with me.

This was big for me, earth-shattering big. I had been cheated on in the past, been ashamed about my body, and even been dumped right to my face in front of my friends. But this one time I believed that this was it. This guy has been with me all along; he would never leave me. I can pull his strings all I want, but he still loves me. Turns out the fun was over, he was gone.

He just left me and gave me no chance. He said I had shown 0 physical effort for him, and now, even emotionally and mentally, I barely gave him time or love. I was always busy with my office friends and old college friends but had no time for him. He even suspected me of cheating, which was not true, but he said he was done with me.

I could not take it, I just could not. I had been the submissive one in all my previous relationships and I had suffered for it. Unwilling blowjobs, handjobs in public, complete exposure on video, slave play on video calls. But this one time, I was just me; I was the dominant one, and now, again, I was left with nothing. I had nothing to show for all the “love” that had gone by in my life. I was empty, alone, and lost at 27.

To numb the pain, I started to hang out with my office friends more. Among them was Aniket who was a married guy 6 years my senior. He was my best friend at work. But I had never had any sexual thoughts about him and neither had we done any messing around. I considered him like an elder brother to me.

My ex was never his fan and maybe wrongly suspected us too. But now I had nobody, I told him that I had had a breakup. I used to randomly cry in the office missing my ex. Aniket tried to console me and calm me down.

He and my other female friends tried their best to cheer me up, but I was hopeless. One day, they forced me to go to a club. They asked me to go dance with new guys, get my groove on, and dance with them. I refused and sat in a corner. One of these nights, they offered me a drink. I never handled alcohol well, so when I started to drink, I got very tipsy very fast (a lot of the following details are recollections and facts told by my friends). While everyone was dancing, I was sitting in a corner drinking whisky. Aniket came to me to stop me from drinking.

He said: This is enough, please stop now.

But I was hell-bent.

“Why did he leave me? Am I ugly? Are my boobs small? What is it? Tell me.”

I blurted with little control.

Aniket: No, you are not ugly by any means. It’s ok, sometimes things don’t work out

Niharika: You are lying. Look at you. You married your wife. I will never marry. No one loves me. All everyone wants is sex.

Aniket: Listen, you are too drunk and too loud. Let’s go, let’s not create a scene here.

Niharika: Oh, shut up! I need to drink more.

Then he grabbed me, hinted to our friends, and took me to his car. I was so drunk, and all I could think about was how I was ugly and would never find love. He put me in the passenger seat and started to drive me to my PG.

I kept rambling on and on about how I could never satisfy my ex because I hate to give blowjobs. I never let him have sex, I wanted to stay a virgin for him. But now everything was ruined. As we were close to my PG, I kept my hand on his dick, and asked him –

Niharika: Do you feel nothing when you see me?

I just wanted validation. I wanted to feel like I could make a man hard. But I did not feel any hardness. I couldn’t take the shame. I just looked at him, and he was focused on the road.

That was when I lost my mind. I shouted at him for not being a man, and how he could not get it erect for me, how I was ugly, and he just wanted to throw me in the PG and leave.

He got angry, put me under a seatbelt, and shouted at me to keep quiet. I was stunned by this aggression, but still could not stop my stupid antics. I just wanted to feel like I could make a man hard and not feel rejected. Then I took off my top and pushed my skirt down my legs. I looked at him and begged.

Niharika: Do you still not like me? Am I worth nothing? You can have it all. If the world is only about sex. Then I am open to everything. There is no reason left to save anything right. At least you have a good time.

He still did not look at me. He was just looking at the road in anger. Now this was a chilly early winter night. The window was also open and I had too much to drink. Then I accidentally began to pee. All over his seat, I peed, piss flowing down my thighs. I began to laugh. He saw my underwear go wet and piss dripping all over on his leather seat.

He calmly stopped the car on the side. Then he looked at me, took a cup, and collected some of the piss falling from my thighs. I was still giggling thinking he was doing so to protect his car. I was so wrong.

Then he took a sip of the piss. I stopped giggling. All the jokes and a lot of the booze in my situation had gone flying out. I was just stunned. Then he looked at me, his hand reached for my bra and pulled it so hard it tore off of me. Before I could speak he smacked me.

He sipped some more of my piss, then spit in the glass and handed it back to me. Then he asked me to drink. I was motionless. I had wanted to be used tonight to ease the pain. But this event had taken all the booze out of me, and while I still wanted to be used, this act had me completely nervous.

I drank the entire cup with great difficulty as I am very sensitive to smells. He then got out of his seat. He pulled me out by my neck and threw me in the backseat of the car. Then he pulled at my panties and my hairy wet pussy from all the piss and precum was right in front of him. He looked at me like a predator. The night was cold and the area of the route was secluded.

Aniket: You wanted to be used. You slut, you have been a tease for so long. I never touched or cared for you. You kept sticking around me like a bug, you insignificant disgusting little slut.

Aniket: I tried to be courteous, but you have forced my hand tonight. Now, I’ll rip you apart.

He took out his dick, spread me wide, wider than I had ever been. I could only see shadows as there was only moonlight.

Then it hit me, that large tip. It was trying to enter me, all my booze had gone. I was fully there now. As the cold breeze cut me, he entered in one go and gagged my mouth with my wet panties.

That pain was unlike any. I was ripped apart, then he started thrusting and pressing my boobs so hard they went red. The pain was unreal as I was a virgin. I thought about my situation. A few weeks ago, I was in a healthy, normal relationship, but I let it all go. This was my punishment. This was what the world wanted of me, and this was what I failed at, and now I should be punished, and I completely gave in. To the smell, to the touch, to the state, to the force pulsating, ripping apart my pussy. I belonged to this world now.

He grabbed my neck and went harder. I could feel my entire thighs had gone wet and numb. He grabbed my mouth, opened it, and spat in my mouth. I couldn’t believe this docile brotherly figure had given me this treatment. He was finally about to cum; he unloaded inside me, and I could feel myself fill up. Then he grunted one last time and took his dick out of me.

He collected a combo of juices from my pussy in that glass, peed in it, and handed it to me. Then he said, “Drink slut”

As I started to sip, he went back and sat in the driver’s seat and started to drive. I began to wear my clothes. Finally, my PG came, but there was still some juice in the glass. He poured it on my face, pushed me out towards the gate of my PG, slapped my butt very hard, and left.

I opened the door, quickly reached my room, and closed it behind me. Then I fell to the floor. I had finally felt what being used felt like. I had become what I was scared of and what had cost me everything in my life, and I had become a fuck girl, a slut.

In my own pool of piss and smelly clothes, I forgot how or when I slept on the floor. I woke up the next morning which was Sunday. I could barely walk, but somehow made it to the shower where I saw what had been done to my body. Every mark made me hate myself more and I loved the feeling.

This is what you deserve. You messed up every good relationship you ever had because you thought too much of yourself. This is who you are, this is your place in the world.

As I saw myself in the mirror, I could truly see who or what I was. I was a slut, I was a pet, an animal to be used. I never let the men who cared for me fully use me. Now it was my time to suffer for it. There was no one left to love. All men just wanted this from me. They just pretend.

Some pretend to be lovers, some friends, some brothers, some colleagues. But at the end of the day, given a free chance, they would all tear me apart into a million pieces and eat every inch of my body and fuck me like there is no tomorrow…

(Part 2 coming soon).